You’re standing by the front door, gift wrapped in hand, coat on, ready to go. The company Christmas party starts in 45 minutes and it takes 40 to get there so you can be a little early. But something seems to be missing. Actually someONE is missing. Oh right, your spouse.

They got out of their 20-25 minute shower ten minutes ago insisting they would be ready in those ten minutes. But you know all too well they still need to do their hair, pick out their outfit (after trying on three others), choose their shoes, maybe throw on some makeup, re-check their hair and outfit, spray the cologne/perfume and grab a snack because “the party doesn’t start for 45 minutes and they won’t even serve the food after all the introductions!”

This happens almost every single time you guys go out and it always leaves you waiting by the door tapping your foot. Your spouse apologizes every time for being/making you late and reminds you they are trying. You know they are, and are sincerely sorry, so you love them yet another day. But you still wish things would change, right? You can’t keep making people wait on you guys and you are sick of always missing the opening credits! I mean, come on! They’re you’re favorite part!

Don’t fret. I’m here! I have the answers. I am going to give you tips on how you can help your loved one become their most punctual self – or at least try to. And I’m sure you’re wondering how I have these answers. Because it’s me. I AM the always late, rushing, care-free like person who finds her husband waiting at the front door each time they go ANYWHERE. I’ll tell you… I can’t remember the last time we saw the opening credits at the movies. Sorry babe, I’m trying!

1. First and foremost, open up. It’s crucial to explain your frustrations as well as find out what their definition of punctuality is. More likely than not it’s going to be different than yours. For example, to me being on time is getting to a 6 p.m. event at 6 p.m., but to my husband it’s arriving 15-20 minutes early. We have very different definitions of punctuality. Figure out their reasons and motives for why they take the time they do to get ready! They probably have very specific reasons and they probably aren’t doing it to be spiteful or disrespectful in anyway. Just talking about these things will open so many doors to finding the core issue!
2. Simplify, simplify, simplify. You’re busy, they’re busy, we’re all busy. Most people don’t love coming home to a long to-do list knowing they have limited time to knock off every item but some do! Maybe you’re that person. Maybe your spouse is not. Try to keep what you schedule to a minimum so your spouse doesn’t start to feel overwhelmed. You could even inform whoever you’re meeting and most likely, because they know you and your spouse, they’ll be understanding and grateful for the heads up! Also, try removing any obstacles or distractions that could get in the way. Have the dishes put away ahead of time or keep the TV off. Everyone will be able to move at a quicker rate and improve their punctuality without distractions!
3. Create more routines and structure. Having nothing to do is almost worse than having too much to do because things can be put off for too long. If you have a daily routine, such as getting home from work and immediately loading the dishwasher with the dishes from breakfast, sweeping the floor, tidying the room, etc. before doing anything else, it will set more structure in the home and will help during the times you need your spouse to be more time sensitive. You’ll be able to be okay with skipping a step to add more time. Maybe try assigning different tasks so if you finish getting ready first you can do a few chores while they get ready and vice versa.
4. Time. Buffer. Personally, I know this works. People have played this trick on me so much that I now have caught on and know when they’re giving me the right times or not! Try telling your spouse you’re needed earlier than you really are so you can assure they’ll be ready on time! Just be aware they may catch on eventually…. then you’ll need a new tactic.

If these tips don’t seem to be working and you feel you’ve tried everything, take a step back. Figure out a way to accept it and move on! If you can, look at yourself to find out why your spouse’s tardiness keeps getting on your nerves. If you need to take two cars, do it. They’ll get the picture. Just make sure you’re doing all you can to stay calm, collected and try to be understanding.

Everyone is different and these tips may not work for your loved one with their punctuality, so test them out! Find what works! I hope I’ve been able to bring more insight into why your spouse is always so late! And remember, they are trying!

Did these tips help? You might find these posts helpful as well!

Five Tips for Living with Messy People

Seven Reasons Your Spouse May Be Sabotaging Your Healthy Lifestyle

18 Simple Keys to a Happy Marriage

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The real problem we seem to face, whether we’re a total mess, half mess, or not messy at all, is learning how to live with someone who is more messy than us! No matter the mess we seem to have in our own lives, it always feels as though the other “messy person” is… messier. And dealing with it is often times no bueno.

So how do we deal with the different problems that arise because of the messiness without hurting any feelings or pointing blame? It’s a tough game to play, but today I have five tried and true ways to settle any disputes you may have going on at home that can keep your relationships strong and thriving. First, let’s dive into a few areas where you may be seeing problems arise the most.

KITCHEN

The kitchen is somewhere we all love to be. But we don’t love it to be a disaster! Keeping your kitchen clean is important not just for looks and feel but for your overall health too! Besides the bathroom, the kitchen harbors the most bacteria which can spread like wild fire if not cleaned properly.

BEDROOM

When you think of winding down after a long day, you most likely think of the bedroom. You’re able to fall onto your bed and wrap up in your favorite blanket. But then you see four of your husband’s shirts balled up next to you and blankets all on the floor. A messy bed is only one of many things that can take away your anticipated relaxation!

BATHROOM

A bathroom should be a germ-free sanctuary. A place to take care of yourself after a long day. When the bathroom is dirty – towels on the floor, toothpaste in the sink – relaxing is hard to do! Especially when you weren’t the one who made the mess. Maybe you left one towel on the floor after your morning shower, but you were in a hurry and promised to pick it up when you got home.

5 Tips For Living With A Messy Person

#1. BE PRACTICAL!

You might need to lower your expectations here just a bit. If the person you love isn’t used to being a “neat freak” like you wish they would, it’s going to take time for them to make improvements. Don’t give them jobs that are going to be too much to handle and only make them not want to do it more!

#2: CONVERSE!

Do not put this off! The longer you wait the more the steam is going to build. While you’re talking, be calm and collected. This will help them to understand where you’re coming from. You can also come up with a compromise by letting them know if they do this for you, you are more than willing to do something for them and finish with deciding on a reward or incentive!

#3: ASK FOR HELP!

Let them know you need help in this area of your life. Explain to them how living a cleaner life will benefit you both in many ways whether it’s with your health or better sleep at night. Instead of nagging them to clean up more or help you more, try asking how you can help them! It’ll show you care about helping them improve over your own well being.

#4: DEVELOP ROUTINE!

Baby steps. You can’t just throw it all at them at once. Developing a routine will make cleaning seem easy and doable! Try a divide and conquer tactic. That way you’ll both be working together to get the job done. You can also try a tabata routine which means 10 minutes of work, 10 minutes rest. Repeat until finished! Also, designate preferred clutter spots. It’s okay if something has a few piles as long as the rest is tidy and in place.

#5: REMEMBER WHY YOU’RE TOGETHER!

This whole process can be frustrating. That’s why it is crucial to stay patient and continue to remind yourself why you’re together. You didn’t choose to be together simply for their tidiness! Odds are there are a million other reasons you choose to be together ever single day. Try making lists or saying these reasons to yourself out loud or to your partner!

And remember, during this whole thing, always find ways to have a lot of fun!

Did these tips help? You might find these posts helpful as well!

Seven Reasons Your Spouse May Be Sabotaging Your Healthy Lifestyle

18 Simple Keys to a Happy Marriage

25 Engaging Questions to Ask Your Hubby Besides, “How Was Your Day?”

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Picture this: You’re sitting at home watching a movie with your spouse. It’s Friday night and you’re both winding down from a long workweek. You have your favorite movie playing: Moonrise Kingdom, a Wes Anderson classic.

Friday night movie night is your favorite weekly ritual. It’s a time when you and your spouse can finally sit back and relax together. What makes this night even more special is the designated movie treat you take turns choosing. In an attempt to be extra amazing, your spouse picked up two extra thick Oreo shakes with an extra box of Oreo’s for dipping. You’ve kept your commitment to make healthy habits all week. But when you see your spouse standing there with their cute smile and that creamy delicious escape in their hands, you collapse into their arms, press play on the remote and dig in.

Sound familiar? I know it definitely does for me. You want nothing more than to have a healthy lifestyle. You’re sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time. You wake up every day feeling bloated, lethargic and it’s as if your joints have swelled three times their size during the night. You don’t have the energy you used to when running around with your kids after school. It’s becoming a strain on your relationships. It’s time to make a change.

But there is one thing holding you back…your spouse.

Your spouse is the sweetest person you’ve ever met. They love you for you and are your biggest supporter! When you got married you promised to be there for each other no matter what. So why do they seem to be the one always standing in your way to have a healthy lifestyle?!

I’m here to help ease your mind a bit and let you know how your spouse may be completely sabotaging your plans for a healthier YOU.

1. Busy days

-Similar to the scenario above, some weeks may be harder, longer, more tiring than others. This makes it easier to fall into habits you may not wish for because your body simply wants anything that is easily accessible/comforting. Your spouse clearly needs the same thing and if they also want/need easy access they’re going to think you want or need it as well.

2. Hurt feelings

-People feel happiness and satisfaction in doing things for others. Especially spouses. If you came home from a long day at work and your spouse brought home your most favorite dessert, it’ll be much harder to turn down the offering. You don’t want to hurt their feelings because they did this kind gesture just for you! If you’re trying to make changes, you need to make sure they understand your intentions and that you’re not mad at them.

3. They’re already fit

-Your spouse may have the metabolism where it’s perfectly fine to eat whatever and they won’t gain a pound. This is hard for you because you’re not this way! And that’s perfectly okay! The problem is if they want dessert they have it and they don’t understand how hard it is for you to say no.

4. Insecure/unhealthy themselves

-Maybe you and your spouse have been living an unhealthy lifestyle. You may have been raised in a family where everyone ate healthy food, were very active, etc. Your spouse may have grown up the opposite way: eating out six days a week, spending most of their time indoors, staying up late. You’ve found comfort in this lifestyle for a long time so making the decision to change is scary! Whether you make the decision or not, it will be hard for your spouse because they may not be ready to make a change for themselves quite yet. They’re still too insecure about their lifestyle choices to make a drastic change yet.

5. Doesn’t see the need to help

-When you got married you made promises to always be there for each other no matter what. Unfortunately that may not always come true. Your spouse may see a lifestyle change as only something you need to make. They’re completely content with exactly where they are in life so why change something good? What they don’t realize is how maybe making simple, small changes will make all the difference for you.

6. They’re lazy/not into fitness

-Not everyone loves to do 100 burpees or run 26.2 miles or even lift 25lb dumbbells. Having a healthy lifestyle does also require some type of physical activity along with eating right. Whether that’s killing yourself in they gym everyday, biking, or walking, just being active will kick your metabolism into gear and help get you where you want to go. If your spouse isn’t into the gym scene, try getting them to go walking with you.

7. They’re afraid you won’t love them anymore

-This is what everyone is afraid of. Ok so you’ve made your list of goals, done the necessary shopping for your meal prepping, you’re going to sleep more, get outside and spend more time with the kids. You sit your spouse down to go over these things so you can know whether they’ll be on board. All you’re looking for is a simple, “That sounds great Honey, I support you 100%!” But instead you get a sigh followed with, “This sounds great Hon and I’m happy for you. But what happens when you make these changes but I’m still the way I am? Why would you have any reason to still love me?” These are tough questions but they’re honest and sincere. Trust me, having these one-on-ones will end up being extremely beneficial for your plans as well as your overall relationship.

I hope these reasons have been able to give you a bit more clarity as to why your spouse may be doing these things or acting the way they are.  Soon we’ll dive into how you can help them understand your reasons and need for wanting to change!

Did you like this post? Check out these other relationship posts!

18 Simple Keys To A Happier Marriage

25 Engaging Questions to Ask Your Hubby Besides “How Was Your Day?”

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4. Don’t gossip about him – doing so is inappropriate and disloyal. Your sisters and friends don’t need to know the personal and intimate details of your marriage.

5. Take care of yourself. You don’t have to dress to the nines every day, but make an effort with your appearance.

6. Love the whole package. He’s not 25 anymore, so maybe his waistline has expanded while his hairline has receded. Cherish him anyway and stay true to your marriage commitment.

7. Listen to his work woes. Ask follow up questions.

8. Don’t keep secrets. You’re in a partnership of trust, so be open about your finances, health, work, and relationships.

9. Be helpful. Fill his car tank with gas, warm his meal, hang up his damp towel. Small courtesies are love in action.

10. Don’t hold grudges. When you disagree, swallow your pride and do what you can to smooth things over. Always put your marriage and his feelings first.

11. Keep your sense of humor handy. Life isn’t always peachy, and some laughter can lighten the mood and his spirits.

12. Don’t play the martyr. Communicate your needs.

16. Make time to chat. Communicate frequently and share your news.

17. Love yourself. You’re no longer in your twenties, but don’t fret over your aging body. Your self-confidence makes you very attractive.

18. Set an example of a happy marriage for your kids. Your kids notice your devotion and respect for each other, and you can emulate what a healthy marriage is.

Simply stated, unselfishness yields a happy marriage. Always put your husband first in your life.

The post 18 simple keys to a happy marriage appeared first on TGIF - This Grandma is Fun.

1. What’s the weirdest thing you saw today?

2. Did you take any photos  on your phone? I’d love to see them!

3. What song do you have stuck in your head today?

4. How can I be most helpful to you today?

5. What’s the funniest thing that happened today?

6. What’s the most exciting thing you did today?

7. How did you feel loved today?

8. What was the BEST part of today?

9. What was the worst part of today?

10. What was the most awkward moment you experienced today?

11. What are you most looking forward to for the rest of the day?

12. Did you talk to an interesting person today? What made them so interesting?

13. What do you hope to accomplish tomorrow?

14. What’s the best conversation you had today?

15. Did you learn anything new or interesting? Tell me about it!

16. What song do you think fits the mood of today?

17.  What’s the most interesting thing you’ve read today?

18. Was there anything that was frustrating about today?

19. If you could give today one name to remember it by, what would it be?

20. What super power could’ve helped you out today?

21. What word do you think best describes today? Why?

22. If you could go anywhere in the world today, where would it be?

23. Did anything make you do a double-take today?

24. What are your hopes for  tomorrow?

25. What food are you absolutely craving right now? (Possible date night in the making??? )

What are your favorite questions to ask your spouse?

The post 25 Engaging Questions to Ask Your Hubby Besides, “How was your day?” appeared first on TGIF - This Grandma is Fun.

1. He makes you laugh – Marriage is a long, long time. Husbands who are still making their wives laugh 25 years later are clearly just as in-love with her as ever. He loves to make you smile, and that says more than words. If that doesn’t completely sweep you off your feet, I don’t know what will!

2. He doesn’t intrude on your sacred free-time – When my family was young and my husband was a student trying to get into dental school, we welcomed our second child. My husband was exhausted from not only school, but from his part time job. But, despite being tired, he always made sure that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he was at home so I could go to my dance class. He knew that after giving birth and then spending all day, every day with two children under two, I needed some time to myself. This simple gesture of caring for our kids twice every week for me meant more to me then he’ll ever know. It still means a lot to me!

If your husband understands the importance of your free time, you certainly don’t need any chickflick star! Your husband is worth a thousand of those!

3. He let’s you get your beauty sleep – Aaaah, nothing says romance like a spouse who let’s his companion sleep in. And hey, it shows him a lot of love when you do the same!

4. He makes time for you – As marriage goes on, life get’s busy! From careers to kids, there is a lot going on for husbands and wives. But after all the years, and all the career moves, schools, sports, weddings, and grandchildren, a loving husband will still make time to be with you and enjoy your company. Why? Because a man who’s in-love loves spending time with just you, even if only for a few minutes. Harville Hendrix, author of Making Marriage Simple, says it’s important in marriage to,”Be present.” He says the mindset between spouses should be, “[if] it’s one minute or five minutes or 10 minutes, I’m shutting down my internal movie so we can look at your movie.” A husband that is present during his time with you is certainly swoon-worthy!

5. He is always on your side – A loving husband is there to protect you and support you. He is always there for you whether you’ve just experienced something amazing, or something disappointing. You know you can always turn to him, like your very own Ryan Gosling from The Notebook.

6. He plans date nights – If after 25 years of marriage, your husband still puts time and effort into planning dates with you (miniature golf totally counts!), wow, are you blessed! According to psychotherapist Dr. Tina B. Tessina, “Most couples need to lower their expectations of romance and glamour and raise the level of fun they have together.” Fun date nights lead to a happier, long-lasting marriage. Any hubby who’s planning them out is certainly doing his part to keep your marriage strong. Now that’s true love!

7. He trusts  you, and you trust him – It feels so good knowing that no matter where either of you are, you don’t have to worry about the decisions he is making, and he doesn’t have to worry about you. He shows his love by always choosing integrity because he wants you to feel safe and secure. Not only that, but he trusts you too, showing that he respects you and your agency.

8. He helps around the house – This one is huge at my house. When we were newlyweds, I naively asked my husband why he had stopped the love notes, and the gift giving I’d been used to when we were dating. “Do you still love me?” I asked (I seriously blush with embarrassment remembering this!). Shocked, and rightfully hurt, my sweet husband pointed out all the things he did when he got home to show how much he loved me, from doing the dishes to cleaning the toilet. Boy, did I feel silly!

The lesson I learned is that a husband who loves his wife respects the home they’ve made together, and helps her take care of it. Who knew dishes could be so romantic?

9. He loves your children – Is there anything sweeter than watching your husband care for you kids? Whether they’re little or already adults, it’s a beautiful thing when you see your husband love and cherish the family you made together. I honestly don’t think it gets more swoon-worthy than that!

10. He still holds your hand – Even though you’ve been married a while now, he still reaches for your hand, whether at home, in the car, or walking on the street. Such a simple act of affection says a lot about the love he has for you after all these years.

11. He asks for your advice – He’s known for a while now that his wife is a wise (though not perfect) woman. He turns to you for your opinion because he values you and wants you to know. Now that’s a hunk!

What does your husband do that’s more romantic than a chickflick?

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Over the past several years, we’ve splurged on a few trips to far-flung places and left our kids in the willing hands of my sweet in-laws. At least, they act sweet about driving 8 hours from their house to cook for and chauffer our active children. They’re really good sports, and I try to simplify the daily routine for them as best I can.

My mom and mother-in- law have incorporated some of the following ideas when they have babysat. Whether you’ve been asked to sit for a quiet evening or an entire week, here are some smart tricks to help everything go smoothly.

“Grandma’s Awesome Toy Bag” – Keep a special bag or laundry basket of your own toys. Make sure these toys are unique and cool! Collect toys, craft supplies, books, movies, or games that the kids don’t already have at home. Explain that these toys are special, and only appear when Grandma is babysitting. If you’re wondering what the best baby toys are, check out this post.

Jigsaw puzzle – Clear a space at the table and work out a puzzle. Large, intricate puzzles are great because they can be worked on over several days. You can find puzzles for any age level; they’re great for developing fine motor skills, problem solving, social skills, and self-esteem. Here are some fun puzzle ideas to try on your next visit, Candy Wrapper Puzzle 300 pieces, Marvel Avengers 500 pieces, and Tiger Family in the Jungle 1000 pieces.

Free stuff! – If you’re entertaining the kids on a budget, these ideas are worth looking into. Many public libraries loan out free passes to their patrons for local attractions, such as zoos, parks or museums. If your grandkid is an artist, use this free app (link https://www.americangreetings.com/creatacard) from American Greetings to help your grandchild create a greeting card that the company will professionally print and mail for you. All kids like to eat, and some restaurants allow kids to eat for free. Visit MyKidsEatFree.com for a list of more than 5,000 restaurants that offer free or discounted meals for kids when they are accompanied by an adult.

Craft time – Do you have a mini Captain America or animal lover running underfoot? Or maybe a tween granddaughter who loves dream catchers? Make a paper plate craft based on your grandchild’s interest. You can find 100 really easy and cute paper plate crafts here Paper Plate Crafts.

Bedtime planning committee – Sit down with your grandkids and outline their bedtime routines. What time do they go to bed? Do they take an evening bath? Do they want a story from a book, a funny story from their parent’s childhood, or one about you? Give them choices, and chart out the routine. If they’re part of the bedtime planning committee, they should be more willing participants.

Best of luck in your adventures in babysitting!

The post 6 Useful Tips for Babysitting Your Grandkids appeared first on TGIF - This Grandma is Fun.

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1. Rocky Bluray Collection– I think this is the one movie series that brings tears to my husband’s eyes. Definitely a winner!

2. Beardo Hat– If your man’s face is ever cold after a shave, take out the beardo!

3. The Official John Wayne Way to Grill– Is there anyone manlier than John Wayne? I don’t know that there’s a better cook book for boyfriends out there!

4. Van Der Hagen Men’s Luxury Shave Set– This one might be more for you than for him if you love kissing a nice, clean shaven face!

5. Remington The Crafter: Beard Boss Style and Detail Kit– Help your man keep his beard in ship-shape with these beard trimmers.

6. The Shredded Chef– If your boyfriend loves working out, then give him this cook book to help him build those muscles!

7. EcoCity Backpack– For men who love a more classic style, check out these backpacks – perfect for school books and laptops!

8. AquaAudio Waterproof Bluetooth Speakers– Do you have a shower singer? Let him rock out with these speakers!

9. Camden Gear Hydration Pack– For your handsome hiker, try one of these best selling hydration packs!

10. Bacon Body Wash– Mmmmm, the savory smell of bacon in the shower!

11. Smartband Fitness Tracker Smart Watch – This smart watch does it all! It’s a reminder, calendar, music player, sleep monitor, camera, and it’s sweatproof!

12. Under Armour Men’s Rival Fleece Hoodie– What guy doesn’t love to wear comfort? Say hello to this sweatshirt from Under Armour!

13. Cardboard TV Ipad Stand– What dude wouldn’t love this? Now he can feel like he’s at home, crashing on the couch, watching his favorite show wherever he goes!

14. SCSk8 Longboard– A fun, easy way for your boyfriend to get from place to place.

15. Coleman Sundome Tent– If your boyfriend loves adventure, try out this 2 person tent.

16. Shark socks– If you want to make your guy laugh, give him a pair of these shark socks!

17. Cards Against Humanity– For men with a sense of humor, they’ll have a blast playing this game with you and friends!

18. Ninja Cufflinks– Is your man a ninja? Then he’ll love this fun,  little gift he can wear!

19. Zinsoko Bluetooth Noise Cancelling Headphones– This one goes out to the music lover! Let him get lost in his favorite songs with these amazing headphones.

The post 19 Ultimate Christmas Gifts for Boyfriends appeared first on TGIF - This Grandma is Fun.

You have teenagers.  I get it.

I’m now a grandmother and went through three teenagers myself and now I have something to say about it.  And boy, hang in there with me till we get to Tip #3!

My personal favorite.  Or should I  say my personal pet peeve.

It makes me get my granny panties in a knot.

But enough of that.  Let’s get started with my tips. Oh wait, before I get started I wanted to mention that I don’t have any studies, surveys, scientific proof or medical evidence to back up what I’m saying.  I am just going to tell you the three best things that worked for me which sometimes I think is the best advice anyway.  Just sayin.

Allrightee, here we go:

Tip #1 – Be Physically Affectionate

There is a point when your baby is no longer a baby and becomes a toddler.  When they are a baby, you can kiss and slurp on them all you want.

And then they become mobile.

And it’s hard to keep them still.

Still enough so that you can cuddle them and kiss them like you did when they were a baby.

So in order to circumvent not wanting to be kissed as much, my husband and I would kiss our kids and then say “You better not wipe that kiss off!”  Which of course they promptly did, giggling with laughter as they did so.  Then of course, we would have to kiss them again and again say  “You better not wipe that kiss off!”

Lather, rinse, repeat.

It works wonders so that now we are doing the same thing with our grandchildren.

When my son was 6, I was diagnosed with breast cancer which is a whole other story, but one night during that time I went to put him to bed and I kissed him goodnight.

To which he promptly took his hand and wiped it off.

Memories came flooding back of when he was littler and I said to him “Did you just wipe that kiss off?!”

His answer was priceless.

“No, mom.  I was rubbing it in.”

PARENTS – THIS IS THE KEY!

We need to rub our love into our kids.

By being physical and affectionate with them.

Especially teenagers.

They might act like they don’t want it, or they don’t like it and it might look like they are wiping it off.

Rub it in anyway.

They might tell you to leave them alone or to go away.  They may even tell you that they hate you.

Rub it in anyway.

When I was a teenager myself, one of my friends was really, really mad at her mother.  She had taken multiple pieces of paper and on each one wrote “I hate my mom!” and then posted them all over the walls of her bedroom.

After school that day, imagine what my friend must have felt like when she entered her room and everywhere that she had posted “I hate my mom!” was a new card replaced by her mother that said “I love you Ann.”

Love motivates a change in behavior more than anger.

So hug them, kiss them, sit  next to them, heck even punch them in the arm but be physically affectionate with them. Physical touch connects you with them in ways that nothing else can.  It conveys your love on a different level and reinforces the other ways in which you should be showing your love.  Like telling them.  More on that later.

My son (the one who rubbed my kiss in) will tell you that when he was growing up when I went to wake him up in the morning, that I would steam-roll him in bed.  It’s ok to be a little rougher with boys!  Like punching them in the arm. Or a steam roll. It doesn’t have to be mushy to work with boys!

And speaking of boys, it is SO important that parents are physical and  affectionate with their boys. Girls tend to be more naturally affectionate so boys need this more than ever.

Rub it in.

Tip #2

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My mother has either dementia or Alzheimer’s.  Her doctors have not been able to pin point exactly which of these ugly diseases that she has and really, I don’t care about the official name that is stripping away at my mom, which is one of the many things that I’m angry about.  I am angry that I’m slowly losing my mother.

I am also angry because she feels dumb.

My mother can no longer make herself something to eat.  The other day she wanted a simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She correctly put some peanut butter on one side of a piece of bread and correctly put jam on the other.  However, when she assembled her sandwich, instead of  placing the two pieces of bread together with the peanut butter and jelly touching, she placed the jellied bread on top of the peanut buttered bread with the jelly exposed on the top.

When I went to help her and explain why I needed to re-arrange her sandwich, she exclaimed,

Dumb.

Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!  I am so dumb!

This is only a small sampling about the things that she can no longer do without assistance.

She can no longer brush her teeth without help.  We do this together every morning and every night.

She has forgotten how to turn the tv on.

She can no longer write.

Anything.

Not even her own name.

And she knows it.

And she feels dumb.

I could go on and on about her accomplishments and why I have looked up to her for years because my mother is not dumb. So having her feel so dumb?

That makes me angry.

I’m angry at how much of herself she has lost

People are the sum total from all of their experiences in life.  Along with these experiences, it’s also a persons likes and dislikes that makes them who they are and this is a part that is also slipping away from my mom.

While she can remember some experiences, she is forgetting the things that she has loved during her life and and I find myself struggling with that.

Recently my mother and I have been on two road trips together. It was a great time to be out of the house, (my mom lives with my husband and me), to have a change of scenery and to have some quality one-on-one time with her.

Now when on the road, McDonald’s is never my first choice of fast food but we went there on both of our trips. Why? Because I know there’s something they serve that my mother loves.

Even though she doesn’t remember.

A Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

When she took her first bite of one on this trip, she remarked “Wow. These are so good! I don’t think I’ve ever had one of these before.  Are they new?”

I can’t even begin to count how many Filet-O-Fish sandwiches I’ve seen my mother eat in my lifetime.  She loves them.  I mean, really LOVES them.

So I will continue to take her to McDonald’s and we will eat a Filet-O-Fish sandwich together.  Because even though she may not remember, I remember.  I remember that she also loves chocolate covered cherries, Neil Diamond, Campbell’s Tomato Soup, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and she LOVES to watch tennis, golf and baseball. I want to remember her likes and dislikes because it makes me feel like I am spending time with the mother that I know and love.

I’m angry that she feels scared.

While we were visiting our family in Phoenix, my mom came to me and told me she was scared. Sometimes when she gets scared, she shakes uncontrollably and often times that escalates into a full blown panic attack.  She was scared to go to bed and said that she didn’t sleep well at all the night before.

At first she couldn’t verbalize why she was afraid but I finally figured out that she was feeling scared because she couldn’t remember how to pull the covers down and crawl into bed. So the night before, she slept on top of all the covers. No wonder why she didn’t sleep well.  She asked me if I could help her into bed  and the next night she slept much better.

Being fearful and feeling scared is an awful, awful feeling and I hate that she feels this way.  I know that when I am scared, my heart races and I have had experiences where I have been in utter terror.  I know that when she is confused that she feels this same way and it is heartbreaking to watch. Sometimes I will put my arms around her so that hopefully she can feel of my strength and peace and that it might calm her fears.

Just this morning she confided to me that her cell phone scares her.  When I pressed her to tell me why, it was because she can’t figure out how to use it and that increases her anxiety.

I’m angry at myself.

I could go on and on about other things about this disease that makes me angry. Don’t even get me started at the anger I feel at myself when I give in to some irritation with her and I am less than patient.

My mother certainly didn’t ask for this to happen to her and it’s not her choice to have to be dependent on others for her every need.  In fact, I know she hates asking for help and it angers me when I don’t give her the respect she deserves. The little irritation that I feel is way less than what she is going through.  So much anger on so many levels.

At the end of writing this post, it is now late at night and it’s time to help my mother.

Mom?  It’s time to brush your teeth. C’mon, let’s get you taken care of.

What? Yes, I will help you into bed tonight.

My anger, for now, is gone.

Sadness fills its place.

Sherri, Debbie, Mom and Tracy

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Our family is a blended family.  Not blended in the way where the father has children from a previous marriage and so does the mother and now they are trying to blend both sides of the family together.  Ours is blended through adoption.

While we were raising our three children, we often felt inadequate about being parents and if we were doing the right thing.  We would always be interested in talking to other parents about how they were getting their kids to sleep through the night,  how to get them to eat their green beans or how they were navigating through the teenage years.

During this time of child-rearing there was another family that we knew that also had adopted children and we loved “sharing notes” about what each one of us was doing within our family life. Our greatest desire was that we would raise our children in such a way that they would want to stay close to us as they got older and evolved into adults.

With this end in mind, I will never forget an experience that this family shared with me.  My friend, Ben, was at a wedding reception for a friend of theirs and noticed that all of the adult kids in this family made an effort to come and chat with their mother.  Ben said that he could see the respect for this mother in all of her children’s faces and he wondered what in the heck she did  to have this great relationship with her adult children.

When a quieter moment came, Ben went to her table and told her that he had been observing her with her children and that he noticed the respect and admiration they had for her.  He asked her that if she could give him one piece of advice about what she did to develop that relationship, what would it be?

Her answer?

“I stand in the corner, wear beige and keep my mouth shut.”

What did she mean by that?

It has been about 15  years since hearing this advice and it is something that I have pondered over greatly.  Now that my own children are 28, 28 and 30, I have some thoughts about this.

Here is my opinion of what she meant.

Stand in the corner

Unfortunately your 15 minutes (or more like 20 years) of fame is over.    You’ve had your time to be the all-knowing resource to which your children turn to. In a way, that time is over.  I am not proposing that we stop being an example to our children but now is the time to blend into the background.  It is time to let our children fly and make decisions on their own which is how it should be.  I would be concerned if every adult child still had to consult with their parent before making a decision.  Our goal as a parent should be to raise responsible, independent and confident members of our society.  Our hope is to have our children be self-sufficient and self-reliant adults.  Let your children make their own decisions, make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons without interfering.

Instead of stepping out of your corner and telling your kids what they should do, let your children come to you.   The more you offer unsolicited advice, the more your adult children don’t want to hear it.  However, if you withhold your advice, chances are your kids might even come to you and actually ask for your advice. Although don’t be upset if they don’t take your most excellent advice. At least they asked.

Wear beige

What does “wear beige” mean?  Similar to standing in the corner, it means not to bring attention to yourself.  One area I believe where parents need to exercise restraint is on social media.  If your adult kids are on Facebook, Instagram, etc., be VERY selective about how much you like, share or post, if any at all.   I do send my kids things on social media that I think they might enjoy but I always send it privately instead of publicly so it doesn’t look like “mommy” is sending them things for all to see.

Keep your mouth shut

Rather self-explanatory, but oh so hard to do.

When your adult children are discussing an aspect of their life with you, don’t automatically jump in and tell them what you know about the subject or tell them what you think they should do.

Listen.

Listen more than you talk.  

Express confidence in your adult child as they make an effort to take on more responsibilities. And here’s a big tip….don’t ask too many questions. Once you start doing that, your kids will tune out and you will be immediately cut-off. Your child will be off to grab a burger and your moment to have them talk to you will be over.

My relationship with my adult children is very gratifying and adds so much value to my life. They are an absolute joy to be around and I respect each and every one of them. Although I am not perfect in these three areas by any means and I make many mistakes, I feel like my kids are forgiving and accepting because they know that I really do try hard to stand in the corner, wear beige and keep my mouth shut. Most of the time.

Disclaimer:  These ideas are for a general basis only.  If you are a parent that is dealing with an adult child who has alcoholism, drug addictions, pornography addictions or is doing something illegal or dangerous, then other measures need to be taken.

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10 Best Gifts for Him and Her

For Her

1. “Say I Love You” His and Hers pillowcases. Ok, is this not adorable? This would bring a big awwwwwe out of my mouth if I was given this as gift. Super sentimental. Definitely would pull at my heart strings! Find more gifts like this click here.

2. Handmade Spa Bath Bomb Fizzies. Ooo pick me! If my husband gave this to me, I would seriously be so appreciative. This gift not only says, “Take the day off you deserve it,” but it also tells me that he is aware of me and my needs. So if your special gal gets easily stressed, this is the gift for her!

3. Champion Women’s Absolute Workout Leggings. Not only are these exercise pants cute, but they are comfortable! Almost any girl would love some type of comfy pants whether it be for exercising or for lounging around the house!

4. Love Knot Rings. Most girls are all about the sentimental gifts. These rings scream sentimental. The love knot ring is a symbol of love. When she wears it, she will remember you and smile. The Infinity Knot Rings are also one of my favorites!

5. Love Coupons. Want to really make her feel special? Customize your gift to fit her personality and hobbies with these Love Coupons! Personally, I am all about the experience rather than reciving a gift. So whether it be a trip to a spa or a day of rock climbing, you will make her feel loved because you know what she loves best! (And if you don’t know…it’s ok to ask!)

For Him

1. Stance Socks. Check. These. Out. What a fun gift! Men tend to have some level of love for their socks. Stormtroopers, Vader, Yoda, or even something completely different, Stance has some pretty creative socks. You’re sure to find some that fit your man’s personality!

2. In keeping with the theme, Star Wars: The Complete Saga DVD Set is a great gift to add to your movie collection! You can never go wrong with Star Wars. However, if you are a Star Wars hater then you can always go with a different movie set. The Bourne Series is a great alternative, but hey, you know your man best.

3. Summer Sausage and Cheese Wisconsin. If I gave this to my husband, he would just melt! Something about summer sausage and cheese makes his day. This is a simple gift to get to his heart through his stomach!

4. I Love My Awesome Wife T-shirt. This would be such a funny gift! You can find other shirts that say girlfriend etc. as well. It is a gift for you and for him! Need I say more?

5. Make him a dessert! After he comes home from a long day, surprise him with a yummy treat. Try making this Two Two Easy Peach Cobbler  from Sheri at Made From Pinterest! You will find the skillet you need here. You could even do a different cobbler by making it chocolate with cherries! These Twix Cookies are also a personal favorite… Homemade desserts are a great gift!

That wraps up my list of the 10 Best Gifts for Him and Her! Happy Giving!

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“I was standing on the platform of a railway depot watching a mainline train come in. Memory does not tell me where I was or why I was there, only that I was very young, that the weather was cold and my clothing was not good enough to keep me warm.

The train created a further chilling breeze as it shuddered to a stop with one of the dining car windows directly in front of me. Then, for the first time in my life I had a glimpse of opulence, the contrast between luxury and want, the gap between those who have much and those who have little.

There, behind a large glass window sat men and women in warm and well lighted comfort, dressed in fine clothing, talking, laughing and eating. If they noticed a shivering little boy outside their window gazing in at them in wonder, they did not show it. Nor could they have known that within that small boy at that time was born a determination that things would not always be that way from him.”

This is a small segment from our grandfather’s book. It is a collection of thoughts and stories from his time as an agricultural technician in the U.S. Governments Foreign Aid program between 1957 and 1967. This was a moment in his life that propelled him to get an education that changed the trajectory of his life forever.

He never told me this story. I didn’t know this story until I read it in his book and that was after he passed away. The book was intended for publication, but the manuscript sits in a 3 ring binder on my bookshelf with each page carefully placed in a page protector. It is in what I call my special collections section, the place on my bookshelf that holds the books I most cherish.

I know, we want to be hero at Christmas and birthdays. If I had received that book as a Christmas gift from Grandpa when I was a kid, my thank you note would have been short. But here’s the thing. I don’t remember a single Christmas or birthday gift from my grandparents. I didn’t keep any of them. But the book is on a special shelf. Here’s my two cents that you didn’t ask for. Give them a great present this Christmas. One they will love you for! The perfect thing. The one they will lose and probably forget that will make them feel loved when they open it. Scour the mall, hit the sales and make sure they know you care about them this holiday. At the same time, and they may not even know it, you can give them a gift that will last, will not be forgotten, and may help them cope in times of serious distress, help them be more well adjusted, more resilient, have more confidence.

Tell them your story. One of the most important roles we can play as Grandparents is family historian. [A. Kornhaber, 1996, Contemporary Grandparenting, Thousand Oaks, Ca:Sage] Grandparents are a link to the past and can provide continuity between generations. When grandparents share stories of their childhood, their families and their past, they can give a sense of identity. And your family story may do even more.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner, it is the perfect chance to take time share memories while playing a game, eating a meal together, washing dishes and helping to clean up. But why does it matter and what difference will it make?

You have heard of 20 questions? THE 20 questions? I am not talking about the classic game. I am talking about the Do You Know 20 questions developed by psychologist Marshall Duke and his wife. I first read about it in The New York Times article The Ties That Bind. Dr. Duke’s wife noticed in her work with children with disabilities that the children who knew more about their families were better able to face challenges. So Dr. Duke and colleague Robyn Fivush developed their own 20 questions to test the hypothesis. And what do you know? The children who knew more answers to these questions was a significant predictor of their emotional health.

So, I could just print the 20 questions here and you could type out the answers, make your grandkids memorize them and we would have both wasted our time.

Consider this from the researchers:

“In our study of family stories at the Emory University Family Narratives Project funded by the Sloan Foundation, we found that family stories seem to be transferred by mothers and grandmothers more often than not and that the information was typically passed during family dinners, family vacations, family holidays, and the like. Other data indicated that these very same regular family dinners, yearly vacations, and holiday celebrations occur more frequently in families that have high levels of cohesiveness and that they contribute to the development of a strong sense of what we have called the intergenerational self. It is this intergenerational self and the personal strength and moral guidance that seem to derive from it that are associated with increased resilience, better adjustment, and improved chances of good clinical and educational outcomes.” — [Duke, M.P., Lazarus, A., & Fivush, R. (2008). Knowledge of family history as a clinically useful index of psychological well-being and prognosis: A brief report. Psychotherapy Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 45, 268-272.]

So while it is about telling your story, it kind of has nothing to do with the story. Maybe it has more to do with the relationship the story creates. It makes me wonder if part of the magic is that these are the kinds of personal stories we share when we spend quantities of quality time.  So while you spend time with family this Thanksgiving and Christmas whether it is in person, on the computer or phone, remember to share the better gift. The gift of yourself. We know that family relationships are not easy. We know that not all stories are happy. And that is part of the gift!

There are three types of stories mentioned in the article that are of benefit. With Number 3 being the best! It is the oscillating narrative where we share our family’s ups and downs and how we survived it. Knowing that my grandfather came from humble beginnings and worked so hard to get an education has stuck with me. I am stronger because of that story. I am proud of that heritage.

Don’t force it. Not all stories are appropriate. And the timing has to be right. Use wisdom. And right them down! Start a journal. A book like my grandfather’s was a long term labor of love; one we are still benefitting from. Start the special collections section this season. It is the best gift. Don’t know where to start? Start with the questions from the study and then make up some of your own!

20 Do You Know Questions

1. Do you know how your parents met?Y N
2. Do you know where your mother grew up?Y N
3. Do you know where your father grew up?Y N
4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?Y N
5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met?Y N
6. Do you know where your parents were married?Y N
7. Do you know what went on when you were being born?Y N
8. Do you know the source of your name?Y N
9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?Y N
10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like?Y N
11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like?Y N
12. Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?Y N
13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?Y N
14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?Y N
15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)?Y N
16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?Y N
17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?Y N
18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?Y N
19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?Y N
20. Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?Y N

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She took my breath away. Measuring 102 x 84 she is huge! She took up the whole wall in the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C. all by herself.  I love art that makes me feel something. Fanny Fingerpainting by Chuck Close gave me the impression that this woman was important to the artist. I felt certain she was loved. From her wrinkles, to her age spots, and every strand of gray hair. I was puzzled by the medium, because it looked so much like a photograph. It isn’t. Chuck Close painstakingly recreated a photo of his wife’s grandmother, Fanny Lieber. She was a holocaust survivor, one of the few of her family to survive. What moved me to tears was when I stepped closer. It is literally a fingerpainting. By applying pigment to his fingertips and applying more or less pressure as he pressed his fingers to the canvas Chuck Close captured every beautiful bit of her aged face. 

Photo Credit: MyModernMet.com via PaceGallery

Was this her best hair day? No make up, no touch up, the painting is pretty raw. I love it. And it changed the way I feel about photography, even though it isn’t a photograph. 

In part because in 2010 my sister-in-law passed away. After the funeral I got a phone call from my brother-in-law asking a favor. His wife was amazing about taking and displaying family photographs. But when they went through them after her passing, she wasn’t in them. She was always behind the camera. And they were hoping I had some of her with the family. I found very few. 

So as I sat and stared at Fanny Lieber’s face so lovingly recreated on canvas I thought about all the times I wouldn’t let my picture be taken because my hair was in a messy bun and I wasn’t wearing makeup. Or I would rather wait until I got my weight down where I wanted it before being photographed. Or I didn’t like my outfit. Or I was self conscious about a variety of things regarding my appearance. And it got me thinking, what is it that we love about the people we love? What did I love about my grandparents? I didn’t see wrinkles and gray hair. I saw smile lines. I saw love in their eyes. They looked great to me. I wish I had more photos of them now.

Recently we went apple picking as a family. It was the only day we were going to be able to honor our yearly apple picking tradition because of all our competing schedules. And it was raining. With no sign of stopping. I threw my hair in a  ponytail, slapped on some foundation and rushed to put on mascara before we headed out. I shouldn’t have bothered. 

Speaking of ridiculous self-conscious nitpicking at photos I am going to tell you that I generally like my right eye better than my left.

That little mole under my left eye is weird. I never color it black, but invariably halfway through the day my makeup gets on it and it turns black and looks like I am trying to fake my way into a beauty mark. Also, my left eye waters. Not for no reason. It waters for lots of reasons. It waters if it is too warm, too cold, the wind blows, or there is not enough wind, because I wipe it and there is lotion on my finger, there is dust in the air, and sometimes because I poke myself in the eye with mascara. It waters because I wore makeup and because I didn’t. Eyedrops don’t help, and I almost always have a tissue for it, and my optometrist has no clue why that eye is such a bother.

While apple picking, my eye watered because a drop of rain dripped in my eye. So I preferred taking pictures of myself like this.

But I didn’t want the day to be remembered as if I wasn’t there. So I took this.

Here is small list of pictures I wish I had of me with my grandmas. I wish I had a picture of the day she taught me how to make paper dolls, and when we made homemade Valentine’s together, and worked in her garden, and picked tangelos from the trees in her backyard, and when she taught me new ways of doing my Barbie’s hair, and eating Granny bread, which is dry, crumbly, healthy, awful tasting homemade wheat bread fried in butter. Wow did butter make a difference! I wish I had pictures of the button jar, her teaching me to crochet, me failing at knitting and rolling the yarn for her instead, her taking me to the fair where I rode my first roller coaster all by myself, and won Goldie the goldfish who lived 7 years despite finding her laying on the counter because my cat got her like a bajillion times and I never cleaned her bowl. Ever. Once we just bought a new one.

The number one thing Grandmas need to know about photography is this. Get in the picture! If you don’t know how to take selfies yet, ask your grandkids to show you. And get a selfie stick. Take pictures of you with your grandkids. Let them have memories preserved of all the times you were there. So maybe one day your grandkids will laugh at your out of style clothes. Or giggle at your funky hair. Mostly what they will remember is that you were there. With them. Smiling into the camera. With them. Having a great time. With them. Eating and laughing and loving and sharing and living a great life. With them. Grandma, get in the picture!

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 A couple of weeks ago, I had the immense pleasure and honor to gather at a luncheon to hear about Jeanette Herbert’s initiative that she is supporting, called UpLift Families.  As the First Lady of Utah, one of her responsibilities is to select an initiative to support and Mrs. Herbert shared with us that she thought long and hard about what was really important to her that she could support and she finally settled on UpLift Families.Mrs. Herbert believes that “When Parents Lead, Families Succeed!”  And who doesn’t need help being a parent?  I remember many days when I felt like I was at the end of my rope and I wondered if I could make another day.  I would have loved to have had a resource to gather information and get ideas.  UpLift Families has a great website that has oodles of ideas to help you with your family.

Their focus is to:

*strengthen parent-child relationships

*provide tools and resources that improve parenting skills

*help children make safe and healthy choices

They are also having a Parenting Conference coming up on Saturday, September 19, 2015 from 5:30pm to 9:30pm at Thanksgiving Point in Utah.   Because we are teaming up with this much needed program, we get to offer you FIVE DOLLARS off of a ticket!  A single ticket is $15 and only $25 for a couple.   Make it a date with your hubby and have a great time learning how to be the best parents you can be.  Register here and use the code MADE2015 for your $5 off.

Seating is very limited so I would encourage you to sign up today so you won’t miss out!  We’ll see you there!

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